Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 5606 times)

The Hobbit

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Foiled Carjacking
« Reply #15 on: October 30, 2016, 11:14:08 PM »
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she "knows how to use it and will shoot if required so get out of MY car!"

The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.  Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down.  She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly, white woman.  No charges were filed.

My_little_pony

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A Texas millionaire
« Reply #16 on: December 25, 2016, 06:27:12 PM »
A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.  A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you."

"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine."

With that the physician left.  The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire.  "Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools, and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"

Shadow Rider

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The Elevator 2
« Reply #17 on: September 29, 2017, 09:28:54 PM »
A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.  The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up.  They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.  The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw."

Sugar_and_Spice

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The rental
« Reply #18 on: November 07, 2017, 08:39:22 PM »
A lawyer, who had a wife and 8 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said, he had / children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie.  So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 7 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.  He loved one of the homes and the price was right the agent asked: "How many children do you have?"

He answered: "Eight."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered "They're in the cemetery with their mother."

La Bamba

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If the birth of Jesus was covered by today's tabloids:

ILLEGAL ALIEN HAS ILLEGITIMATE BIRTH BABY EXPECTED TO BE CHARGED WITH TREASON

BETHLEHEM -- It was rumored today that an unmarried couple from Nazareth stopped for the use of a manger owned by Alfredo Pinchi, a notorious local slumlord, and a baby was born.  "There was no running water, and the place was filled with straw," commented local public health authorities. "We even found a donkey inside."

"The mother gave birth under extremely questionable circumstances," offered Pontius Pilate, Judean candidate for District Attorney. "She claims to have been a virgin."

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Roman authorities are investigating the baby on charges of sedition and treason. "There are a bunch of people running around alleging that the baby is the son of God," explained Pilate, "and that he will have some radical ideas about religion in the future."

Three Kings from the Orient were caught on the outskirts of Bethlehem by the Roman Border Patrol carrying illegal contraband. "We caught them red-handed with frankincense and myrrh," explained an official with the Border Patrol. "And they didn't have any papers."

The Kings were promptly arrested and deported.  At virtually the same time as the baby was born, a bright star was sighted over Bethlehem. "This is an omen that things are about to radically change in the Empire due to global warming," the Director of the Environmental Protection Agency commented. 

My_little_pony

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Dementia Test
« Reply #20 on: March 27, 2018, 10:00:39 PM »
 Dementia Test

Test for Dementia Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

Third Question:

Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for answer.

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again...

My_little_pony

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What Movies Have Taught Us
« Reply #21 on: March 27, 2018, 10:02:42 PM »
 What Movies Have Taught Us

1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.

2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.

3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.

4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.

5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.

6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.

8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.

10) The entire British population lives in London.

11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.

12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.

13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

Philippa

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Jokes
« Reply #22 on: April 16, 2018, 09:29:16 PM »
 Computer FAQ's (The Shift Key)

Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labeled "hif"?

A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?

A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labeled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.

Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?

A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.

Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?

A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.

Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?

A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or VT100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.

Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?

A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!

Philippa

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #23 on: April 16, 2018, 09:35:46 PM »
 If Only You Had Looked

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.  "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive."

Philippa

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #24 on: April 16, 2018, 09:48:10 PM »
A man had trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept saying chickens were noble creatures, and they had the right to go where they wanted.  The man had no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds.  He tried everything.  Two weeks later, a visiting friend noticed the flower beds were doing great! They were blooming and beautiful.  So the friend asked, "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"

"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them.  I wasn't bothered after that."

Philippa

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #25 on: May 19, 2018, 09:12:14 PM »
Church Cake!

Have you ever told a white lie?

You are going to love this especially all the ladies who bake for church events  Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.  She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.  She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."

So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.  Alice found it in the bathroom a roll of toilet paper.  She plunked it in and covered it with icing.  The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.  When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.  Alice was beside herself.  The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.  After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.  Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Philippa

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #26 on: May 19, 2018, 09:17:24 PM »
 Police Stop

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.  Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "Only when he's drunk."

Philippa

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #27 on: May 19, 2018, 09:20:11 PM »
 Health Professionals in Heaven

Three nurses died and went to Heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who questioned them.  "What did you used to do back on Earth?" he asked the first nurse. "Why do you think you should be allowed into Heaven?"

She told him, "I was a nurse at an inner city hospital. I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor children."

"Very noble. You may enter."

And he ushered her through the gates. He asked the same questions to the next nurse.  "I was a missionary nurse in the Amazon. For many years I worked with a small group of doctors and nurses to help people in numerous tribes, healing them and telling them of God's love." The second nurse replied.

"Excellent!" said St. Peter. And he ushered her through the gates as well. Finally he posed his questions to the third nurse. She hesitated, then explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."

St. Peter considered her answer for a moment, then told her, "Well, you can enter, too."

"Wow!" the nurse exclaimed in relief. "I almost thought you weren't going to let me in."

"Oh, you can certainly come in," St. Peter told her, "but you can only stay for three days."

Child of God

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #28 on: May 29, 2018, 09:23:55 PM »
One day in the army I was assigned KP duty. I reported to the Mess Hall and was told by the sergeant in charge that he wanted me to make 100 gallons of soup for tonight's dinner. I told him I didn't know how to make soup. He quickly handed me a book and told me to follow the directions carefully.  Soon after I had a large kettle of soup simmering. The sergeant came up and tasted the soup. He took a second spoonful and stood there staring at me. I thought I had really messed up the soup and was waiting for a reprimand.  Instead the sergeant said, "This tastes really good are you sure you followed the recipe?"